Author: Advisor to Men

WOKEMARE

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WOKE-MARE
Much has been done over my lifetime to confront racial inequalities, advance women’s rights, and foster gay and lesbian tolerance. Some argue these things were long overdue.

However, the pendulum of change has swung so far to the other side that western cultures now embrace feminine traits wholesale in the absence of a counter balancing masculine.

We appear to be facing an egalitarian comeuppance: a steady movement over decades towards the feminization of society, with an intolerance we sought to avoid; free speech is now in trouble.

The “woke” movement (a term originally used in reference to African American social and political issues), has been broadened to include exaggerated ideas about sexism, LGBTQ rights, racism, slavery reparations, colonial injustice, the globalist diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI), and white privilege. It uses power as its guiding principle and equality of outcome as its goal.

With the traditional nuclear family under attack by forces of social change in the west and elsewhere over the past several generations, Team Human has lost its footing.

As confused males failed to defend, the culture became fertile ground for chaos over order.

In describing its absurdity, professor Peter Kaufman of Birkbeck College, University of London, says woke is about “making sacred historically marginalized race, gender and sexual identity groups with equality and emotional safety as its pillars.”

The making sacred part is problematic. And since we are not all equal, so is the idea of equality.

Expecting emotional safety and fairness from mom is natural, whereas expecting it from society as an adult is irrational, irresponsible, and, ultimately, tragically immature.

Woke reaches back into history for examples of inequity, accidental or intentional, real or imagined, which are used to besmirch the character and reputation of anyone opposing the ideology.

Typical of male systemizing brains describing feminine forces, a 1990 example of this feminization emerged with Godwin’s law of Nazi analogies which asserts that “as an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches.”

Remember, women tend to compete by maneuvering covertly using mean remarks, social exclusion, and by winning over your friends and allies (see Susan Pinker, Sexual Paradox).

Men tend to compete head on to determine expertise in a context, or status in a dominance hierarchy, which may include teasing or bullying each other, in part to test for mettle or courage.

I’ve long contended abuse of empathy is a woman’s birthright. Ask any man in a relationship and they will tell you that in an argument with their female partner she will often resort to low blows using personal information as a way to dismiss the entirety of his point of view.

Calling someone a misogynist, or a racist, or far right (or left), or homophobic, or Islamophobic, or narcissistic, or full of white privilege, or a Nazi, is too similar to ignore. The same can be said for the dismissive, “mansplaining” as a low blow kick in the nuts. You argue with a woman at your peril.

The woke trend is largely a manifestation of feminine negative emotion, be it found in women or in men. I include men in this because with male influences increasingly absent or missing from family life and because children experience family physically, many men have much of their mother’s nervous systems (which is what runs us— conscious awareness is an afterthought).

Saying we are over-mothered and under-fathered is an apt way to describe how we got here.

To be clear, feminine negative emotion is first a gift. This evolutionary adaptation allows its bearer to spot sickness in those around them and danger in the environment. Missus can spot fever in our kids a day before it shows up. My friends’ wives are the same. Undoubtedly, women see stuff that men often miss. That’s been my overwhelming experience. However, as the French say, “nous avons tous les défauts de nos qualités.” We all have the faults of our qualities.

The downside to all that negative emotion is the tendency to pathologize (and even catastrophize) widely… and sometimes indiscriminately.

And so, we see in the fem-centric early grade schools a tendency to diagnose kids with learning disabilities and dyslexia, and with ADHD and spectrum disorders at a higher than normal rate (see Bad Therapy: Why The Kids Aren’t Growing Up by Abigail Shrier for more).

The confused masses dabble in queer theory despite its dishonest and unscientific flaws. I’m referring to its focus on the fluidity and subjectivity of sexual identity making the theory unfalsifiable, a requirement for valid science. Add to this its relativistic and unscientific “socially constructed” ideas versus clear biological reality to recognize it as bullshit to confuse you.

Similar irrational arguments apply to critical race theory and implicit bias testing. While mild awareness of personal prejudices serve society as a whole (people have preferences), seeing race as the central organizing feature of a group is an oversimplification which omits class, gender, and most critically, individual agency in the success or failure of an individual. The theory is divisive… and also unfalsifiable, making it equally invalid scientifically. It’s more bullshit to make people feel bad.

Colonialism is another oversimplification which ignores historical context. It neglects diverse perspectives and motivations as well as the norms and ethics of the time. It concentrates solely on exploitation and oppression while ignoring adaptation and resistance. It posits moral certainty and passes anachronistic judgments and fails to consider counterfactual benefits.

Flora and fauna have moved around the earth since the beginning exploiting available environmental niches to make life possible. Humans do the same… only we can defend borders. If you can’t or won’t defend your borders, you don’t have a country. That’s how it works.

Moreover, applying contemporary ethics to historical events is an act of “presentism” which any rookie historian will tell you is dishonest because it’s bound to lack nuance and leaves one open to ideological bias. The colonial decriers make many of you responsible for history: more bullshit.

White privilege is another unfalsifiable boondoggle which hits all the unscientific hallmarks. It’s ambiguous and too broad to be measurable, focusing as it does on group identity over the individual. At some point you may have read about the sacrosanct statistical rule, “correlation is not causation,” something ignored in this case. And there are plenty of losers who are white ffs.

It makes black success an anomaly.  That means if you are white your success was because you were white, if you are black and do well, you got lucky. More victimizing bullshit.

All of these forces, queer theory and gender as socially constructed, critical race theory and implicit biases, and white privilege and colonialism, are manifestations of a doom and gloom “heavens are falling,” feminine negative emotion. Confused men do it too.

This has implications around the ideas of climate change, overpopulation, and other supposed threats. It’s not that we don’t have real problems to solve, it’s that the gift spots sickness in those nearby and danger in the larger environment with a downside that, well, misery loves company…

How will we answer for our modern hysterias and social contagions in the years to come? What will we tell our grandchildren when they asked why it is we dropped the ball?

Let me give you some essential truths, something you as an individual can apply to your own approach to life forevermore (and even teach to your children and maybe your friends).

You own just three things, and you have but three things to offer. All of us, no exceptions.

You own your thoughts, feelings and behaviour. That’s it. Everything else is transiently impermanent. You have three things to offer the world: your time, your talent, and your effort. These are the great equalizers.

Your thoughts are all yours, thousands per day, mostly repetitive, some new, all based on concepts formed from your databank of prior experiences.

Your feelings, however fleeting, are also all yours and no one can make you feel anything.

You own what you do, good and bad, and these actions will largely define you.

And, you have but three things to offer this world. Just three.

You spend your time wisely or foolishly, ultimately under your prerogative and control.

You have measures of talent, to be sharpened as if taking stone to steel and honed into strengths.

You decide how much effort to expend at what, hopefully making a positive difference each day.

If you came to my house and asked my two children, “What is happiness,” both will answer immediately, “It’s a decision.” As humans mature, optimistically they come to realize that no one makes us happy, or sad, without our full permission.

To that end, men need to reclaim responsibility for their part in the culture. Team Human requires collaboration, problem solving, and responsibility. That’s the path to meaning.

You were chosen for life by heavens of infinite wisdom and safeguarded for a time under the promise of orderly good intentions coupled with the chaotic reality of perfectly imperfect parenting.

You need to realize that you were once the boy your caregivers made but, as an adult, you build a man from your own experiences.

An adult male in a male-female relationship must know to not take things personally. He accepts her negative emotion as the downside of her gifts and doesn’t allow it to move him off his mission.

In this way, he defends the both of them. Society requires the same masculine force for good.

This is how he moves past the egocentricity of a childish reliance on maternal acceptance and is no longer beholden to those maternal forces which at one time were the center of his universe.

This is how he operates beyond leveraged compliance under the demands of threat and reward parenting and the insinuated possibility of abandonment.

There are women in the culture who ably team up with men and form an effective yang force in counter to the challenges of the destructive yin force and its manifest woke’isms.

These blessed sisters stress tested the culture and having found it amiss, sounded alarms.

But they are few… and they cannot fix things without partnering with male culture builders.

It is men who must emerge from their confusing hypnosis and stand for Team Human.

Only men working together can ensure society awakens from this nightmare.

Questions? Comments? 

True and free…
cw

* from the upcoming book, Reverse The Flow, due out by 14Feb2025

 

CHRISTOPHER K WALLACE, BST, CH, CPIC Father, Husband, Counsellor, Mentor, and Advisor to Men ™
[email protected]
advisortomen.com
Book a call with me here:
https://go.oncehub.com/ChristopherWallace
Socials: https://www.facebook.com/groups/niceguysunite

NICE GUY NERVOUS SYSTEM

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Nice Guy Syndrome for what it truly is…

Second wave feminism arose during the ’50s, ’60s, and ’70s during the baby boom in a great vacuum of male weakness. It was a time of turmoil where many ideals were being challenged.

One of the results was a striking increase of women attending post-secondary education. Male dominated departments were suddenly overwhelmed with new perspectives on science. That continues today.

One of the brilliant researchers to come out of that educational era is Shelley Taylor. Taylor realized most all the work on fear to date had been done with male subjects.

She began with rodents in her lab and saw that when under threat, the females tended to affiliate with each other. Some of the males did so too but it was primarily a female response to stress.

I first came upon her work on what she called “tend and befriend” for females under threat about ten years ago while researching my first book, Drinkers Riddle.

In fact, in chapter one of Sipping Fear Pissing Confidence (Crux Bamboozle) I posit this typically feminine response to fear is also at the crux of a woman’s alcohol intoxication.

On occasion, I might mention this to the men I work with, i.e. that if he’s buying her drinks and thinks she’s sweet on him, it may not be him, but the booze.

Upon hearing my explanation, one man I worked with said, “You just ruined my life.”

We had a good laugh about that.

Let the truth set you free, I say.

Others since have described Taylor’s “tend and befriend” as “fawn,” which fits nicely with fight, flight, fawn, freeze.

What’s this got to do with men? Plenty.

You see, parents install abandonment fear in a child to leverage survival. They are perfectly imperfect in the way they do this.

Their approach can range from teaching you how to look both ways before stepping on a road (so you don’t get run over), or to hold mom’s hand in a mall parking lot for the same reasons.

I am sure you’ll agree those are fairly innocent, necessary, and unavoidable interventions.

But it can also mean threatening to send a child away to Boys Reformatory at age six because your two big brothers and their boisterous play inside the house were driving her nuts (as in my case).

There are a multitude of circumstances where a child might acquire the idea that mom (or dad) will leave them behind. We are sensitive to these things from the start.

Often, I relate how the baby arrives at birth and the greatest sales job on the planet occurs when the newborn convinces mom to take it under her care. Crying, clutching, and smell are some of the ways a baby sells her on NOT abandoning her or him… to the elements and the animals.

It’s primal stuff, for sure. Furthermore, in the beginning the child has no idea of the separation between them and mom, something it only realizes in the months ahead. That egocentricity remains in the human animal in diminishing degrees for life. We have self-interested brains.

You have a brain for executive function, as well as a spinal column with peripheral nerves for fight or flight. Internally, the vagus nerve connects all your internal organs, your skin, even your balls, and is wired into two places in the brain stem to keep the brain apprised of your body state.

The lowest order nervous system uses the dorsal vagus (digestion, sex, freeze) for immobilization and is the most ancient at around 500 million years old.

Fight and flight occur instantaneously through activations from the spinal column to musculature and is said to have developed some 400 million years ago.

Both of these nervous system functions are in place in the first trimester of gestation.

The upper ventral vagus controlling heart, lungs, throat, voice and facial muscles came with the advent of mammals some 200 million years ago.

It is used to convey feelings and to discern other’s emotional states using facial expressions and voice. It also regulates our internal homeostasis (emotional balance).

This part of your nervous system only comes online in the third trimester of pregnancy, presumably when the baby begins to hear its mother’s voice outside the womb.

At birth, mom’s use of “motherese” talk (ex. “Oh, my little man, are you hungry?” said in a sing song voice) continues the nervous system training.

It’s from these humble beginnings over the first fourteen years of life that the child more or less forges an emotional template for connection.

So two things: protection mode is primarily lower order dorsal and peripheral nervous system activation while connection mode uses ventral nervous system activation for reassurance and to restore emotional balance. Secondly, we are herd animals.

So why is “fawn” relevant to the average nice guy? For several reasons.

Nowadays, we tend to be over-mothered and under-fathered, and children experience families physically.

This means that little boys will see their nervous system attune to their mother’s nervous system for survival reasons. All mammals do this to some degree in the wild.

It’s why I can spot deer through my monocular lens in the bush while hiding behind a tree and see her ears scanning the area like radars looking for me though I remain hidden.

Beside her, a fawn remains immobilized. It knows something is up with mom so doesn’t dare move.

Women generally carry more negative emotion, which having read me before you realize is an evolutionary adaptation she uses for survival.

If a child’s main exposure in the family is mom, and there are little or no countering male influences of note, expect that child to grow up with a sensitivity, if not a propensity, for anxiety and depression, more often than not.

That’s how it works.

Shelley Taylor’s research showed that males tended towards fight or flight, while females more easily resorted to tend and befriend.

Oxytocin, critical in caregiving, is thought to play a role in this need to connect to others by way of the opioid system which regulates reward and pain related behaviours by acting to mitigate fight or flight. Under threat, women tend to good will, or at least hope for it.

A psychcentral.com article mentions these ways fawning shows up:
– stifling your own needs
– finding authentic self-expression challenging
– flying under the radar
– having trouble saying “no”
– over-apologizing
– holding back opinions or preferences that might seem controversial
– experiencing chronic pain or illness
– having depression,
– trouble with personal boundaries
– assuming responsibility for the emotional reactions and responses of others
– fixing or rescuing people from their problems
– attempting to control other’s choices to maintain a sense of emotional safety
– denying your own discomfort, complaints, pain, needs, and wants
– changing your preferences to align with others.

Sound familiar? Don’t get too hung over trauma as it’s tossed around all over the internet. Instead…

Notice how these are part and parcel Nice Guy traits.

It’s why I tell anxious men they have their mother’s nervous system.

So, what do? This nervous system template was the best mom (and possibly dad) could do under the circumstances.

I often tell men that if your parent’s kept you alive until age twenty and you can say please and thank you, as far as nature’s concerned, they have done their job.

What’s important is to realize they were a stepping stone along your journey, and as an adult, you retain the right and obligation to update your operating system to meet the demands of life around you.

Remember that Nice Guys have a shame- and anxiety-based syndrome sourced in abandonment fear.

So, the idea is to take the Taming Shame course and learn how to integrate the Younger Self.

One way to do that is to confront each of the behaviours on this list at a minimum and instead of “falling into fawn, freeze or fight or flight,” meet them proactively and assertively head-on.

You do that by pushing through your resistance and enacting a different response using thought, feeling and behaviour.

That’s all you own in life brother, what you think, how you feel, and what actions you take.

In my experience, once you do the above and forge new ways of doing things in a circumstance a handful to times, you have handed your nervous system a fresh concept it can use as a template to use again and again in the future.

At that point, you have upgraded your nervous system and it’s much less likely to regress to the old ways of doing things. In effect, you have updated your O/S.

But keep in mind, some of these new ways will transpose themselves onto other similar contexts, but it’s unlikely to happen completely. Old ways are on autopilot to save the brain energy.

It is more likely that you will need to recognize when you are in protection mode versus connection mode and realize an opportunity to upgrade.

The Taming Shame course teaches all that.

In this way, you update your model of the world and make one more step forward in the face of fear.

Do it for you, for the people around you, for the culture at large. It is men who balance out the two genders, masculine and feminine.

She is the burdened female creator of life.
He is the expendable male powerful defender of life.
Together, with some overlap, they are Team Human.

If a man refuses to be a powerful defender of life, he reverts to expendability.

Don’t let that happen.

The world desperately needs powerful men.

Questions? Comments?

true and free…
cw

CHRISTOPHER K WALLACE, BST, CH, CPIC
Counsellor, Mentor, and Advisor to Men ™
[email protected]
advisortomen.com
Book with me here:
https://go.oncehub.com/ChristopherWallace
Socials
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SIPPING FEAR PISSING CONFIDENCE

Find the Taming Shame course here: do the work

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WHY TAME SHAME?

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WHY TAME YOUR SHAME…

Glover tells us the Nice Guy Syndrome is an anxiety and shame based syndrome sourced in abandonment fear.

As far as I am concerned, the most important understanding a man can learn is how his past is affecting his present. Oh I know, we believe we are running things, and perhaps that belief is necessary to our existence. But it’s not what’s going on.

It’s why every man should do the Taming Shame course. Now, grant you, some men will try it and abandon it because it doesn’t fit the narrative of what they are telling themselves. Why is that?

It’s because the Integrated Nervous System denies, distorts and represses inner and/or outer reality to lessen anxiety and depression. The Integrated Nervous System is also called Ego.

You have a set up that believes it is in charge, but really is not, because to understand the truth is too threatening.

That said, if you can get what I am telling you and adopt it into your life, you will find a radical responsibility take hold, as opposed to confusion, irresponsibility, and even despair.

This my good men, is where your freedom lies…

Let me repeat that you are run by your nervous system with conscious awareness along for the ride. What you feel today, you have felt before.

There is nothing new to the predictive brain which relies on past experiences to make context dependent predictions in the moment.

As you let that mouthful of a last sentence sink in, consider there is more…

Imagine how information from your surroundings is picked up by your senses and directed by the thalamus to various areas of the brain.

Realize too that the sense of smell has its own routes through two olfactory bulbs situated just above the nasal cavity under the forebrain. (More reason to groom yourself, especially if you are around women because her sense of smell is acute).

Practically speaking, there is a difference between walking down the street of a small town in the middle of the day and hustling along a sidewalk in South Chicago after dark. You know this

The environment acts on the body, be it from people, your location, from the wind, rain, sun, darkness of night or light of day, cold of winter, heat of summer, how you are dressed, etc..

These outside influences mix with your internal state.

By that I mean you might be cold or hot, tired from a sleepless night, or hungry because it’s near mealtime.

Maybe you are exhausted from working out or working at your job.

You could be suffering from seasonal allergies or a cold or flu.

Or perhaps you are thirsty and even, dehydrated.

These external and internal conditions combine to create two shades of something called affect: valence and arousal. Are you comfortable or uncomfortable, aroused or relaxed?

This affective body state gets sent upstairs by special electrical and chemical messengers to the brain stem with primary, secondary and tertiary effects.

We should mention affective reality: that’s when we give too much credence to our body state and fail to weigh alternatives. We can be fooled by this.

The body keeps the score someone said. How many times has my bad back decided my attitude and made my decisions?

In any given moment your brain is using concepts and beliefs from your databank of prior events to make a predictive guess to fit the context, and then corrects after the fact with social reality.

The same thing is happening to those around you.

Last week Missus was a little cuntish during our date. She’d had a couple of glasses of wine so I figured I’d be cool.

The next day, I knew she was feeling a little sheepish. I could surmise that her brain was alternating between justifying what she said… with doubt about her approach.

So I told her, “Honey, you know, when you get like that with me I don’t think it’s you that is showing up. You are not that mean. I think you sometimes treat me the way your mother treated you. But that is not the real you and I know it. Because you are an amazing gal and that’s the person I like to take on dates.”

She’s been walking with an extra spring in her step all week.

Her mother was and is damaged to the point most of us would describe her as evil. I can only imagine her upbringing given the way she brought up her own kids.

My Missus’ mother is not part of our lives. My children may never even meet her. That’s how it is for now.

As the powerful defender of life, one of my jobs is to recognize when grandma evil shows up, through Missus, and affects my children or is directed at me.

I never would have been able to do that kind of defending without first taming my own shame all those years ago. My own defensiveness would have kicked in and… mayhem.

I had a man recently message in the TS community that he bought the course last year and left it aside after starting it. Something made him take it up again and BOOM! he had a breakthrough.

Now he’s formed a relationship with his Younger Self and is well on his way to Integration.

I want that for everyone of you. 600 men have taken the course, don’t leave that stone unturned. Every man should take it.

Someone else wrote “Feelings are predictive, not reactive?”
and a day or two later sends “Chris, this is spot on for me. I’m working this program diligently…”

He even added to this today, “This reparenting program is really helping me. It sounded Oogabooga, but it’s working…”

Lastly, I can assure you as someone who has read a book per week minimum my whole life and studied behavioural sciences for almost 4 decades, there is no replacement for the work.

You simply must train your nervous system to act differently in the world and in the course of daily existence in order to live intentionally and fulfill your desires and promise.

Because that’s how it works.

Questions? Comments?

true and free…
CW

© Christopher K Wallace 16 July 2024

advisortomen.com

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CERTAINTY vs UNCERTAINTY

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CERTAINTY & UNCERTAINTY

AWE

The more we focus on our own emotions and thoughts, the more we tend to suffer from anxiety and depression. Rumination = Omphaloskepsis (navel gazing)

I have a whole course on anxiety which is probably too much for most people even though it contains everything you need to know about the subject.

(^ Don’t be like one of these muthas)

It is obvious that since the beginning of Homo Sapiens we developed under a prayerful spirituality which attempts to reconcile our situation on earth in relation to the heavens above.

To this point, let me tell you about the week before my mother died.

I was visiting with her in hospital. Cancer had spread from her bowel to her liver, and she had days to live. We spoke about many things including her lifelong devotion to the Catholic church.

She was one of those women who, after spending a couple of decades knitting mitts and sweaters for her nine children, continued to do the same for the less fortunate. She collected pop can tabs and engaged in whatever other initiatives her church undertook to help others. She was one of those gals who were trusted to count the offerings from the faithful after mass each week.

She served. Ten pregnancies in twelve years. With a brood like hers, what else could she be?

At one point during this last private conversation, as we reviewed her Christian life, and curious, I asked her if now, looking back, she still saw things the same way.

She was in pain but reached over and patted my arm with her left hand and said unreservedly, “Oh yes, Christopher, you’ve got to have a bit of faith.”

It was to be her last advice.

At the time, I remember searching my heart and mind for a way I could appease her with some kind of reassurance that I too would have faith. That her dying words would be meaningful enough to take with me as her gift and remain useful in her name long after she was gone.

I’d been an altar boy at our French Catholic church as a young boy (unmolested). In my thirties, I attended Anglican mass most Sundays and even converted to Anglicanism because they allowed women priests. Having four sisters instills that kind of loyalty to the sisterhood, I suppose.

I found I was not able to match her faith, so I promised I’d keep room in my life for mystery.

She seemed content with that, as if that would do.

I, in turn, have kept my word.

Because, you see, at the edges of mystery is where you find awe.

Awe is what you see in the magnificence of sunrises and sunsets, in the majesty of mountains and the expanses of oceans. It is what you feel experiencing the Aurora Borealis or a sky full of planets and distant stars while surveying the Milky Way far away from the lights of the city.

Awe and mystery allow for both gratitude and wonder, and more importantly, for possibility.

NUTS AND BOLTS
Let me repeat that you are run by your nervous system with conscious awareness along for the ride. What you feel today, you have felt before. There is nothing new to the predictive brain which relies on past experiences to make context dependent predictions in the moment.

As you let that mouthful of a last sentence sink in, consider there is more…

Imagine how information from your surroundings is picked up by your senses and directed by the thalamus to various areas of the brain.  Realize too that the sense of smell has its own routes through two olfactory bulbs situated just above the nasal cavity under the forebrain.

Practically speaking, there is a difference between walking down the street of a small town in the middle of the day and hustling along a sidewalk in South Chicago after dark.

The environment acts on the body, be it from people, your location, from the wind, rain, sun, darkness of night or light of day, cold of winter, heat of summer, how you are dressed, etc..

These outside influences mix with your internal state. By that I mean you might be cold or hot, tired from a sleepless night, or hungry because it’s near mealtime. Maybe you are exhausted from working out or working at your job. You could be suffering from seasonal allergies or a cold or flu.  Or perhaps you are thirsty and even, dehydrated.

These external and internal conditions combine to create two shades of something called affect: valence and arousal. Are you comfortable or uncomfortable, aroused or relaxed?

This affective body state gets sent upstairs by special electrical and chemical messengers to the brain stem with primary, secondary and tertiary effects.

We should mention affective reality: that’s when we give too much credence to our body state and fail to weigh alternatives. We can be fooled by this. The body keeps the score someone said. How many times has my bad back decided my attitude and made my decisions?

Primary signaling involves seven emotional mechanisms: seeking, lust, care, rage, fear, panic/grief and play. Of these seeking is used the most. It’s your “getting stuff” feeling. That’s you as pursuer looking for food, water, sleep, fun, safety, pussy, or just trying to get shit done. Seeking.

When something thwarts seeking, rage (anger) kicks in to punish or correct the interference.

Lust, fear, care, and play are obvious emotional mechanisms requiring no explanation.

Note though, in 1995, a meta-analysis of 60 years of attachment studies found that our whole emotional system was tied to belonging.  When we fulfill our need to belong, our emotions rise, when we disconnect, our emotions fall.

That’s why of the seven mechanisms, panic/grief is the strongest.  Anything that separates us from the herd gets our attention at an existential level. It’s why grieving over a deceased loved one can be devastating. It’s why breaking up is so hard to do.

It’s also how abandonment fear is installed in a child to leverage survival and sociability. In fact, no matter the parent’s sensitivity, some abandonment fear in a child is unavoidable.

These seven basic emotional mechanisms are further processed through the amygdala, basal ganglia, and the infra-limbic (emotional) centers to influence how well you interact with others. It is here that empathy, trust, blame, pride, guilt and shame occur.

At the top, or tertiary level of signaling, is the neo cortex. This is your conscious awareness and includes all the ways you label feelings, imagine things, daydream, and so forth.

Note the prefrontal cortex is where you carry the judgments and rules installed in you with language, primarily by parents and other caregivers. Freud called this your Super Ego. When you ruminate, that’s whose pattern of ancient judgments you are following.

Most of the 30-40 trillion cells of your body have a limited lifespan and are replaced forthwith by cloning themselves and dying off under the processes of apoptosis and autophagy.

The skin sloughs off monthly, the digestive track every couple of weeks. Your bones turn over every 7-10 years.  Not so the 86 billion neurons of the brain and the 500 million neurons of the body.

You may have lost some of these to illness, concussions, or drunken black outs (if you were like me), but overall, you have the same neurons you were born with (you added some over time as you aged and grew).  These hold your memories and feelings and create your thoughts.

From your experiences the body brain’s neurons are trained to form concepts and beliefs, like a set of rules used in the future to make predictions. Then you confirm or deny these suppositions or best-guesses according to the social reality before you.

Change only comes with awareness. Most people haven’t a clue of these things. It means you have less free will than you think and more that when aware you have a version of “free won’t.”

UNCERTAIN vs CERTAIN
So why am I telling you this? Because few men realize the extent to which past experiences are driving their present thoughts and feelings. This offers an opportunity for radical responsibility.

After all, you own just three things in this world: your thoughts, feelings and behaviour.

So you might ask “should I trust my gut more?” The answer is maybe, maybe not.

After all, the two hemispheres of the brain evolved so you can see and focus on what is in front of you while also keeping in mind the bigger picture of what is a little further outside your purview.

There are characteristic ways the left and right hemispheres of the brain operate. The left speaks in language and logic, analysis and judgment. The right understands language but speaks in feelings and flashes of insight.

The idea is to NOT just “trust your gut” infallibly. Neither is the idea to over-judge nor suffer a condition known as “paralysis by analysis” every time you face something new.

So, here’s a rule: If you know a lot about a subject, give more credence to your gut feelings because they are probably right. However, when you don’t know much about what you are considering, use your analytical brain and enlist feedback from others to make a judgment in the moment and be willing to course-correct if necessary.

Men Defend, Deliver and Decide. Knowing the above will help you make better decisions.

As an aside, I suspect what frustrates men about how women think is sourced in this dual hemispheric thinking, where many women trust their gut even when they know little of the subject. But when a women knows the subject well, it’s worth listening to her more carefully.

Many of our problems arise because we refuse to trust our guts when we should, or we trust our intuitive selves when a thorough analysis of a problem and potential solutions would be better. Use the rule to stack the odds in favour of good decision making.

Realize what a human says is not fully representative of who they are. Rather, most of what we say to each other is a trial balloon floated for feedback. Stay humble, it’s another best guess.

I say anxiety (like depression) is a temporary loss of faith in the future. That’s tough for humans because facing uncertainty means the unknown is staring back at us from the abyss. Oh no!

We need a few things, needs let’s call them, and certainty is one of them. It’s nice to know who will still be in your life tomorrow, where you are waking up, or how you will pay your bills next month.

Certainty is by no means certain and is constantly being fucked with by uncertainty.  The thing to keep in mind is that we also need uncertainty. Imagine if everything was predictable and everyone knew exactly how things were about to unfold. What a boring life that’d be.

It is uncertainty that forces us to consider new options and explore new territory, to come up with novel ideas and find new paths forward. Uncertainty is what happens every time a woman gets naked in front of you for the first time.  Uncertainty is both fear and excitement, depending.

Which brings me to my point about awe.

With a little practice, when you invite awe and allow for mystery in your life you begin to notice it everywhere: in the world at large, in the people around you, and even, in yourself.


My ma could use her faith to find answers to unanswerable questions. Me, not so much.

I prefer to see God as a metaphor for nature and leave room for mystery. This allows me to experience life on that edge between excitement and fear, and nurture states of awe.

Not a chance I’m perfect at it but it does allow me to make more room for the 3Ps: possibility, potential, and promise. At times, I even begin to see the interconnectivity of all things.

If you follow me, I’m suggestion a good balance between uncertainty and certainty is awe.

From there, anxiety has little chance of taking hold with any lasting effect.

Mystery brings possibility, potential, and the promise of awe. It’s curiousity on steroids.

In the end, what matter most is to remember that we are all staring at the same heavens.

Questions? Comments?

true and free…
cw

 

CHRISTOPHER K WALLACE, BST, CH, CPIC
Counsellor, Mentor, and Advisor to Men ™
advisortomen.com
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PERCEPTION & PERSPECTIVE

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PERCEPTION AND PERSPECTIVE

It so happens that I often speak with men who are perplexed at how to handle their partner’s foul moods.

“When she’s in a pissy mood, it throws me off my game,” they will say. It follows that they feel significant disregard from her in the home when she’s such a frame of mind.

Think for a moment about the word disregard.

You already know it means to NOT pay attention to something or someone, to ignore. Get a sense of how her emotional state affects you.

If you find her mood bothersome, unsettling, distracting, etc., and that it preoccupies your thoughts and feelings, ask yourself why that is.

When else have you felt this way?

When is the first time those feelings made their way into your awareness?

At what other time did you find your body and being negatively affected by someone else?

You might even body trace your present feelings to the very first time you remember feeling these sensations.

Now, think of how these are HER negative feelings…  and ask yourself how those feelings are somehow influencing and even directing your own feelings today.

Why is that? How is that?

How can it be that you, a separate person from her, are suddenly taking on her foul mood. I know, I know, it’s as if we are following the contagion of a yawn.

Her negative mood says jump and in response, your nervous system says, “How high?”

(See the Taming Shame course for a full dissection and strategies around this topic).

The biggest mistake a man makes in those situations is taking things personally.

He does it automatically. It’s subconscious, his nervous system putting out a hypothesis which has worked in the past… for him to evaluate and possibly adopt in the present.

The thing is, to take on her negativity, he must relegate who he is presently to a former version of himself.

In all likelihood, to a time of his life when his very existence depended on the kindness and goodwill of a powerful figure. That’s usually mom (though not always).

In those long ago moments, he may have had fear struck into the center of his heart. Let me explain.

I have two older brothers born 11 months or so apart. This makes them Irish Twins (as siblings born within 12 months of each other are known).

This is something common in Irish Catholic families. My very devoted Ma had ten pregnancies in 12 years (bless her Irish Newfie heart).

A daughter soon followed the birth of my brothers, but she died in the days after she was born. It was the 1950s, and ma blamed painting the basement stairs with lead paint during her pregnancy for losing the child.

I was born next: 9 pounds 10 ounces of maternal redemption.

As a youngster, I longed to be part of an older boy’s trio. In a family of eleven, you needed allies.

The gap between my age and my two older brothers caused by the birth and loss of deceased sister Marie Claire (the name Ma had picked for her) made it difficult for them to take me seriously.

I was very much the lesser brother, never fully accepted but tolerated, especially if I was useful. My brother once told me that all they had to do to get me to act on something was dare me. A double dare meant it was as good as done.

Strive as I might to belong, equality wasn’t possible. The age hierarchy was too great an influence.

Though, when it came time for punishments, an exception was made. After all, I couldn’t very well disown them after striving to be like them and so, I was often lumped in with them when things went wrong.

I remember ma would get pissed at my older brothers, Duncan and Stephen, especially the eldest, Duncan, and threaten to send us all off to a boy’s reformatory in Alfred, Ontario.

We knew it existed because Mr. Bougie down the street reportedly worked there.

I was six or seven… and she’d say she was going to call Mr. Bougie and send us off… and I believed her. When I first got wind of it I even remember asking her if she was serious and in her frustration she insisted that she was.

Oh the horror!  I expected the boy’s prison van to pull up at any moment and take me away. What did I know?

It was one of the many Sword of Damocles scenarios of my childhood.

Talk about abandonment fear.

That weakness lingered in the back of my emotional self as an adult. A similar thing happens in an infinite number of ways to countless men.

Parents install abandonment fear in children, mostly with good intentions and sometimes in frustration, for the sake of survival and socialization.

A three-year old will walk onto a busy road unawares until we drive home the idea that a car might run them over.

They ask what would happen. We tell them it would hurt and may kill them. More importantly, that we may never see them again and this would make us sad.

We may repeat that theme for years to effect change in the kid’s roadside protocol so they look both ways before attempting to cross a street.

It is leverage that works.

So next time you find yourself a little out of sorts when she’s out of sorts, stop and track its true source.

Almost always it’s not what’s before you. Rather it’s a prediction from long ago coming back in case it’s useful once more in the present.

The trick is to use perception and perspective.

You must have the perception to know you are triggered by your partner beyond what the circumstances call for and realize the predictive nervous system is doing its thing.

Keep in mind, all you own in life as an adult are your thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

How is it you, as a grown man, are controlled as if you are an emotional puppet?

By doing so you may gain perspective.

I have long ago abandoned free will, so I am saying that with awareness you can exercise a little more “free won’t.”

You can put her remarks or foul mood or detachment into its proper context. Soon, you and I both may see it’s not about me or about you.

In fact, it’s more that her gifts sometimes turn on her.

Her fantastic powers of wider scope with heightened sensitivity to sickness and danger are often too much for her to bear and she suffers accordingly.

It means she sometimes finds herself in protection mode instead of connection mode.

The Quebec French up my way have a saying for that: “Nous avons tous les défauts de nos qualités.” We all have the faults of our qualities.

I guess we could say this is what is meant by “there is a price to pay for everything” and “nothing for nothing”.

The last thing I need to do is make things worse by failing to realize that she is temporarily offline.

So, if possible, I rescue her from her insanity with reassurance. What I won’t do is make it worse by becoming needy in the face of her discontent.

That’s like adding fuel to her fire.

LOL (I know you know it).

Instead, we can best tend to order in the kingdom and remain unflustered by her foul mood…

… and instead encourage her.

If necessary, I may hold up my hand and impose a limit. I’m nobody’s punching bag. Remember respect is earned or taken. The “wrong guy” signal, said with a calm smile, deflects her angst elsewhere.

But it is compassion that best serves you both. Compassion for myself and what might trigger me. Compassion for her as her gifts turn on her to create her discomfort.

Compassion is like that. It spreads. Seems to me the feminized culture complains we need more compassionate men. Kill two birds with one stone by starting with you.

Surely, we can do that for a partner. We can do that for ourselves. For us. For Team Human…

Only men can ensure love prevails in a home.

She can’t do it without you.

Men lead, women command…

Next time, use perception and perspective to rise up and remain a powerful man.

A powerful defender of life.

Could you do that?

Questions? Comments?

true and free…
cw

* want to talk about how you can manage this stuff on your own? Talk with me and let’s see what we can do together…

Book at https://go.oncehub.com/ChristopherWallace

UNISEX END GAME

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UNISEX END GAMERecently, I was taken to comment on something I saw on the internet. I have to be careful about this sort of thing, especially if it is late at night. No sense triggering the fear seeker in me by engaging someone in an argument before bed.At issue was the oft heard lament from women that men want to fix things instead of listening. Could men be better listeners? Probably. We do well enough listening to each other seems to me.

After all, we BUILT THE WORLD! ffs.

Sure women helped, but it is primarily men who build cultures because of our large group bias and preference for things. Women have a small group bias and prefer people. They also tend to stick with one or two, no more than a handful, of loyal friends whom they use for emotional regulation. While men are comfortable operating in many different social spheres. While men build cultures, you could say women, on the other hand, stress test any culture men build on behalf of everyone.

Instead, we hear a lot of put downs online and in the media about men by dissatisfied women. The media is corporate, and women spend between 50 to 90% of disposable income so… that’s why you have shows like Everybody Loves Raymond and an anti-male themed culture.

The crux of women’s complaining seems to be about how men are not more like them. Think about that for a moment. Think about how impossible that situation is.

Yet, all over the world, men are lining up to do exactly that. Be more like women. If you read me you will know I contend this is modern man’s search for maternal acceptance.

If there is any truth to women’s dissatisfactions, I believe it more accurately arises from the opposite in fact: that men are not men but rather, adult boys. The “mansplaining lament” arises only in a vast sea of male weakness by women tired of being taken for granted. Read the Caregiver’s Dilemma for more.

It is primarily women who caregive.

I’ve got some news for you. Men make lousy women and women make lousy men. Surely the Drag Queen Story Hour and trans phenomena amply illustrate these fucking points.

Furthermore, men are not sticking up for themselves. Why? Abuse of empathy is a woman’s birthright. Women compete differently than we do, and it throws us off our game.

Men compete head on to determine expertise, to ensure you are male and to test each other for mettle (courage). If you can’t stand my teasing (for the thwarted boy hero this can mean bullying) how will you stand shoulder to shoulder with me and defend against the enemies?

It is primarily men who defend.

Women compete by maneuvering covertly using mean remarks, social exclusion, and by winning over each other’s friends and allies.

Disagree with a male and the prospect of getting punched in the face usually keeps things civil. Disagree with a female and she will tend to go behind your back and undermine you with others until someone else punches you in the face. No one talks about this much… but every woman knows this.

Guys say nothing rather than risk the ire of the pissed off feminine. There is real threat to her antics socially, and yet, it’s just one more problem men have to fix. Oh, if you were waiting for women to get around to addressing these contentious issues, don’t hold your breath.

Pay attention, you won’t read this anywhere else.

It goes burdened female precious creator of life and expendable male powerful defender of life. Together, they are Team Human.

When men stop being powerful defenders of life… women, burdened and precious, are forced to do their own defending. Where does that leave you? Exactly: expendable. Which is what is happening.

And women are no equals to men in the defending department.

Nature, homo sapiens essence, demands she fulfill her destiny. She will find a male. If he’s weak, she will use him. She must. A powerful man restores evolutionary balance.

It is… your only option.

It is your masculine destiny. Everything else is weakness.

The answer to almost every challenge between men and women is for men to rise and become powerful defenders of life as nature intended.

We Defend, Deliver and Decide within the Team Human context, and that includes women. 👀

Sure, accommodate the sisterhood where you can: be a Team Human player.

But impose limits when it undermines the very nature of what it is to be a man.

Never apologize for arriving here under the heavens as a male…

 

Questions? Comments?

true and free…
cw

STYLE GUIDE for Christopher Wallace

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1. Tone and Voice:
  • Personal and Reflective: The tone is deeply personal, introspective, and reflective, often delving into the author’s personal experiences and emotions.
  • Philosophical and Analytical: The essay combines personal narrative with philosophical musings, analyzing complex emotional and psychological concepts.
2. Structure and Format:
  • Narrative with Interspersed Analysis: The essay alternates between storytelling and analytical commentary, blending personal anecdotes with broader insights.
  • Segmented Approach: The essay is divided into sections with distinct headings, each focusing on a different aspect of the overarching theme.
3. Language and Diction:
  • Varied Vocabulary: The essay employs a rich and varied vocabulary, including both simple and complex words.
  • Descriptive and Evocative: Language is used to paint vivid pictures and evoke emotions, often using metaphors and similes.
  • First-Person Perspective: The narrative is primarily in the first person, adding to the personal and intimate feel.
4. Themes and Content:
  • Focus on Relationships and Emotions: Central themes include family dynamics, love, and the psychological impact of childhood experiences.
  • Integration of Personal and Universal: While focusing on personal experiences, the essay also touches on universal themes, making broader observations about human nature and relationships.
5. Use of Literary Devices:
  • Metaphors and Similes: Frequent use of metaphors and similes to draw comparisons and deepen understanding.
  • Anecdotes: Use of personal anecdotes to illustrate points and engage the reader.
6. Pacing and Flow:
  • Balanced Pacing: The essay maintains a steady pace, allowing for reflection and absorption of ideas.
  • Smooth Transitions: Transitions between personal narrative and analytical insights are smooth and natural.
7. Audience and Purpose:
  • Adult Audience: The content and style suggest it is intended for an adult audience, particularly those interested in introspection and understanding human relationships.
  • Purpose to Enlighten and Reflect: The essay aims to enlighten the reader about the complexities of human emotions and relationships, encouraging self-reflection.
8. Quotations and References:
  • Selective Quoting: The essay includes selective quotations and references to support its points, often from personal experiences or well-known figures.
9. Conclusion and Call to Action:
  • Reflective Conclusion: The essay often concludes sections with reflective statements, summarizing insights or posing rhetorical questions.
  • Implicit Call to Action: Encourages readers to reflect on their own experiences and perceptions.
This style guide captures the essence of Christopher K. Wallace’s writing in “Unconditional Love,” providing a framework for understanding or emulating his unique style.

ATM BIRTHDAY 2023

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This December 7th, 2023, I am sixty-six years old.

Thank you for the birthday wishes. Bless you all.

I can tell you that I appear to be hanging in there. Daily exercise makes a difference.

Sleep, Water, Diet, Exercise and Belonging.

Missus cut my hair and I did fifty Tyson pushups before showering. Those were a bitch.

The real suffering came when I turn the water cold. BRRRR!

My determination is to be a competent defender male until I’m gone. I will live healthily until I am one hundred years old and then die in my sleep.

I’m reminded too that I was born forty years and a day past the greatest explosion on earth prior to the nuclear era. Here we are 106 years later, and the story grips me every time I read it.

My Grandma Rita (nee Carew) was the daughter of Francis Carew of Halifax, Nova Scotia.

On the 6th of December 1917, the greatest explosion ever to occur in the world up to then happened when the French munitions ship Mont-Blanc collided with another ship in the Halifax harbour and caught fire.

From the definitive account by Ken Cuthbertson in his book “The Halifax Explosion,” this description:

“The crew members of British Cargo ship the SS Picton were also watching the Mont-Blanc burn. The Picton was moored next to the Acadia Sugar Refinery while a crew of about eighty longshoremen emptied her cargo holds of crates of food and explosives; the ship was about to go into dry dock for repairs. The unloading was still underway when the Mont-Blanc drifted ashore on the Halifax side of the harbour. When it did, the heat from the fire was so intense that Francis Carew, the sixty-year-old foreman of the workers aboard the Picton, feared it could set the ship alight or ignite the explosives that were still in the holds. “That’s some hot, boys. We’d better secure those hatch covers before we have a fire!” Carew shouted. The men set about securing the ship in a race against the clock. But it was a contest they were destined to lose.”

Rita was just a young girl when the explosion devastated the harbour that morning. She searched for three days in a snowstorm looking for her father.

Later in his book, Cuthbertson tells what happened:

“At GROUND ZERO in Halifax harbour, along with the Mont-Blanc, the explosion obliterated Pier 6 and Pier 8 and all the buildings on each of them. All disappeared. Aboard the SS Picton, which was moored at Pier 8, supervisor Frank Carew along with his two assistants and sixty-four dock workers and members of the ship’s crew died instantly; fortunately, they had secured the ship’s hatches before the blast and so the munitions in the cargo hold did not explode.”

Three hundred and twenty-five acres of Halifax were nearly obliterated by the blast. A witness said, “… the sight was awful… with people hanging out of windows dead. Some with their heads off and some (bodies) thrown over the overhead telegraph wires.” (Billy Wells’ account)

Calamity is possible at any time. Shit happens. Floods, fires, explosions, liberals.

Men ought to be prepared as best they can. There is never a time for complacency.

Don’t kid yourselves, the sisters help but it is mostly men who defend life at large.

Despite early years where I was shot, stabbed, run over, and hit with various implements (hockey stick handle, chains, ball bat, etc.), I’m alive and defending life.

I suppose I sometimes gave as good as I got (and later earned a pardon for it).

Despite a hidden bout of Hep C (which killed dear friends of mine), and broken bones and nose, scars here and there, I’m alive and defending life.

Gilead Sciences (Big Pharma) found a cure for Hep C, Toronto Liver administered it (get tested).

Despite decades of addiction which I finally defeated some years ago, I’m alive and defending life.

I realized I was addicted to fear (read about how that works in SIPPING FEAR PISSING CONFIDENCE).


See ^^ Dr Robert Glover’s review below

YouTube Glover review SFPC Nov2023

My dad was also addicted to fear (and a friend of Bill W). Funny how that works. My bet is the five generations of Wallace men who preceded me here in Canada were all so afflicted. It’s the nervous system you see, it remembers.

My dad taught me some things about writing when I was in my forties. I’d sent him a letter at Christmas. The old man sent it back corrected. Boy, was I pissed.

Then I thought, oh yeah, he was an editor. So, I wrote him back thanking him. It took me two weeks.

He replied, “If you’re going to bother writing, double space it so I can do my thing.”

And I did. After all, we were a safe three thousand miles from each other.

That went on for a few years until probably 2010. By then I’d moved to Toronto and could visit.

I’d drop something off on trips to Ottawa and pick it up on my way out of the city.

One time I dropped off an essay and upon returning, he hadn’t marked it up.

I asked him if he was too busy and he said no, I didn’t need it. He looked away.

No encouragement. No final pep talks to see me off. But I knew: at some level, I’d graduated.

I found out if you can hang in there learning about your parents it can pay dividends.

Doing a family history is good pretense for enquiry. You are simply curious, with no ax to grind.

First a cub reporter and then a Lieutenant Commander in the Canadian Navy, dad married a “tough, stout and devout” wife who hailed from the cold North Atlantic’s Newfoundland (known as “The Rock”).

Ma told me when she was born her mother said, “I can’t take another one” and gave her away to her mother. And so, Ma was raised by her grandmother, and kept from her eight siblings.

Her dad represented a liquor concern and traveled a lot. At fifteen ma was allowed to stay overnight at the family home on Water Street in St Johns, Nfld. The next day she refused to leave.
My father was the fourth and last child born to my Grandma Rita and my Grandpa Gimpy.

Grandpa Gimpy, so named after being shot in the leg by a sniper as a scout in WW1, was an original “mad men” in the early days of advertising at Wallace Advertising. Regrettably, he disavowed my father as his son. My old man equally regretted not having knocked him out when he visited in the 1960s.

Still, my father held his father’s hand when Gimpy died at age 98… quietly hoping for some kind of reconciliation. None came. Dad said both his parents broke his heart.

After my grandmother had Gimpy committed for his violence (probably shell or war shock related), dad was raised with his mom, Grandmother Carew, and three sisters in full view of the Halifax harbour.

My mother had ten pregnancies in twelve years of which nine survived. An old colonel had told dad as a young officer to keep her “barefoot and pregnant” whilst he was sailing the seven seas on behalf of Her Majesty’s Royal Canadian Naval Service.

I personally never saw ma barefoot. Usually, she wore granny boots and moved in a blur.

They produced five sons and four daughters with me landing in the middle of a family of eleven.

Perhaps that makes me a natural manager. Four brothers and four sisters shaped me.

One of the great gifts of my life has been my son Corrie. We message each other almost daily. Now forty, he lives in Ireland with his lovely wife Carol and gives me advice. Raising him saved my life. I’m sure of it.

Second chances are my thing, and so, unsurprisingly, I have a second family. My Missus is amazing. We are blessed with a ten-year-old son and twelve-year-old daughter as magical as children are. No one is taken for granted in my home. There is no martyrdom. There is no enslavement.

We continue to learn from each other every day. I learn plenty from the kids and it is true that little girls teach men about love. It’s just as true that a man with a loyal woman by his side has the wind at his back… as long as he stays out in front of her to feel it.

For it is only men who can ensure that love prevails in a home. She can’t do it alone. That’s not how Team Human works. And so, it falls to me. For when a man uses his power and love in service of himself and others, he finds meaning and freedom.

However unlikely, I have developed into the Advisor to Men™. It seems to be the right thing to do. What else is there but to live in such a way as to somehow attempt to make a difference in people’s lives.

It provides a modicum of freedom from the suffering of life.

May you all enjoy your freedom and stay true and free.

I send you blessings of power and love.

True and free… 
cw
________________

CHRISTOPHER K WALLACE, BST, CH, CPIC
Counsellor and Advisor to Men ™
[email protected]
advisortomen.com

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BOOZE & BROADS

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BOOZE AND BROADS

Often I see a debate arise about women and alcohol. More specifically, married women or women in relationships who head out to the clubs drinking with single friends.

Of course, you can be sure that MOST men object to this, at least publicly (who knows what is actually going on within their individual homes).

 

Nevertheless, I see this as a good sign. That these males have the good instincts to reject the idea of women drinking unaccompanied is a breath of fresh air.

We need more of it. We need more men defending their marriages by not only earning the respect of their partners through his deeds, but also, when necessary, by setting limits to his tolerance.

Respect is earned or taken.

The most important word in any language is no. Scarcity drives value. If you fail to say no when no is needed, your yes means less. To say no often and yes sometimes is good practice.

The other side of it goes something like this:
“In my opinion, if the relationship is solid – and this is the key here – then there’s nothing to worry about regardless of where she goes. And if it’s not solid, then how can anyone let her go anywhere – the store, to school to pick up children… if she can’t be trusted, it’s not like ‘going to a bar’ is going to be the only place she’s successful at being unfaithful. She’ll find it.”

Fair enough? Not at all. It’s arguing apples and oranges (as you shall see).

If I had a dollar for the number of times I have had a woman complain in counseling about her husband NOT defining clear boundaries for the both of them, I could take the rest of the year off.

Men lead, women command. Either you lead or you will be commanded. My bet is that you won’t like that.

Setting limits around booze and women is not about masculine tyranny, but rather failing to do so is a weak abdication of his duty to protect them both.

If a married or LTR gal is out at a club drinking with her single friends, and the man who is left at home is fine with this, he’s sick. He’s afflicted with feminized society dis-ease, something you all are witnessing around you and across the world each day.

Not only is this inappropriate for a married gal, if you as the man are failing to establish this boundary it means she will respect you even less.

You are asking to be taken for granted. (“Oh, he doesn’t care…he’s at home with the kids playing video games…”)

Now, I concede that the fact you don’t know to do this and stand up for you both is likely not your fault.

This is several generations in the making for reasons too long to go into here. Suffice it to say, now.. you do know and I’ll spell things out for you in black and white. Men earn respect by deeds… or take it with limits.

Women typically experience medical conditions, disease pathways, and medicines, differently that their male counterparts. This is well documented in the literature from heart attacks to stroke and… even to the common cold. 

Therefore, it should surprise no one that women experience fear differently than men. They are nature’s designated caregivers, and often have children or elderly parents to care for, or otherwise work helping people. Nature adapted her to cope when things go awry.

Under attack, she can’t just grab her spear and shield and fuck off into the forest. So, she evolved strategies that would keep her and her charges alive, hopefully long enough for the males of her clan to circle back and effect a counterattack and rescue.

Whereas men in fear lean towards fight or flight, fearful women use tend and befriend, or a fawning behavior to survive.

Alcohol activates the HPA axis, the hypothalamus, pituitary, adrenal functions governing sympathetic fear responses with an increased heart rate, blood pressure, shallowed breathing and narrowed focus. In other words, booze creates a fear state.

That’s why you see men get drunk and fight each other. Women? Well…

Women should never drink around men unless a father, brother, or husband is there to protect her.

And for all you guys who think some dame drinking cocktails at the bar is sweet on you, it’s just the booze (read the book SIPPING FEAR PISSING CONFIDENCE for the detailed science).

Another important distinction is that you and your partner exist as a couple in a social context. Not only must your woman respect and remain loyal to you, but she must also never do anything that even remotely looks to others as if she is anything less than 100% committed to you. You must lead your relationship and do the same for her. 

(Note: the best advice I ever received from a woman was my Missus’ advice: “I want people to look at the two of us and wish they were me. Not look the two of us and feel sorry for me that I’m with you.”)

 

With all due respect, it is such bullshit to call men insecure about women and booze when a man objects to her drinking unchaperoned.

In fact, it’s hypocrisy.

It’s not the woman… it’s the booze which impairs judgment.

It’s the booze that creates a body fear state which makes her fawn.

I’ve written books about it (as mentioned) and cover this in SIPPING FEAR PISSING CONFIDENCE  in the first chapter.

One man used to picking up women in bars said this knowledge ruined his life.

Being lackadaisical and tolerating a woman drinking without you being there is a failure to defend her.

It’s a failure to care enough to lead your marriage to safety.
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It’s antithetical to the essential principle in which masculinity is grounded.
It is male weakness, in a vast sea of male weakness found around the world, and which has become the greatest challenge facing humanity.
Almost half American homes have no father in them.
The family—the very life-building foundation of all culture—is undermined at every turn.

Yet, there are those who are willing to tolerate drunk wives, so he does not appear “insecure.”
By whom? By men? Unlikely. The majority of males will instinctively reject the insecure angle in this case.
I will tell you by whom. By women and their feminized male counterparts. Men who tolerate boozing broads outside his protection are “nice guys” seeking maternal acceptance in a highly feminized society.
It is time for all males to grow up and defend.

 

For if a male cannot defend, another man must step into the breach and defend for him. This is unacceptable.
What largely makes a male a man is that he is a defender.