WHY TAME YOUR SHAME…
Glover tells us the Nice Guy Syndrome is an anxiety and shame based syndrome sourced in abandonment fear.
As far as I am concerned, the most important understanding a man can learn is how his past is affecting his present. Oh I know, we believe we are running things, and perhaps that belief is necessary to our existence. But it’s not what’s going on.
It’s why every man should do the Taming Shame course. Now, grant you, some men will try it and abandon it because it doesn’t fit the narrative of what they are telling themselves. Why is that?
It’s because the Integrated Nervous System denies, distorts and represses inner and/or outer reality to lessen anxiety and depression. The Integrated Nervous System is also called Ego.
You have a set up that believes it is in charge, but really is not, because to understand the truth is too threatening.
That said, if you can get what I am telling you and adopt it into your life, you will find a radical responsibility take hold, as opposed to confusion, irresponsibility, and even despair.
This my good men, is where your freedom lies…
Let me repeat that you are run by your nervous system with conscious awareness along for the ride. What you feel today, you have felt before.
There is nothing new to the predictive brain which relies on past experiences to make context dependent predictions in the moment.
As you let that mouthful of a last sentence sink in, consider there is more…
Imagine how information from your surroundings is picked up by your senses and directed by the thalamus to various areas of the brain.
Realize too that the sense of smell has its own routes through two olfactory bulbs situated just above the nasal cavity under the forebrain. (More reason to groom yourself, especially if you are around women because her sense of smell is acute).
Practically speaking, there is a difference between walking down the street of a small town in the middle of the day and hustling along a sidewalk in South Chicago after dark. You know this
The environment acts on the body, be it from people, your location, from the wind, rain, sun, darkness of night or light of day, cold of winter, heat of summer, how you are dressed, etc..
These outside influences mix with your internal state.
By that I mean you might be cold or hot, tired from a sleepless night, or hungry because it’s near mealtime.
Maybe you are exhausted from working out or working at your job.
You could be suffering from seasonal allergies or a cold or flu.
Or perhaps you are thirsty and even, dehydrated.
These external and internal conditions combine to create two shades of something called affect: valence and arousal. Are you comfortable or uncomfortable, aroused or relaxed?
This affective body state gets sent upstairs by special electrical and chemical messengers to the brain stem with primary, secondary and tertiary effects.
We should mention affective reality: that’s when we give too much credence to our body state and fail to weigh alternatives. We can be fooled by this.
The body keeps the score someone said. How many times has my bad back decided my attitude and made my decisions?
In any given moment your brain is using concepts and beliefs from your databank of prior events to make a predictive guess to fit the context, and then corrects after the fact with social reality.
The same thing is happening to those around you.
Last week Missus was a little cuntish during our date. She’d had a couple of glasses of wine so I figured I’d be cool.
The next day, I knew she was feeling a little sheepish. I could surmise that her brain was alternating between justifying what she said… with doubt about her approach.
So I told her, “Honey, you know, when you get like that with me I don’t think it’s you that is showing up. You are not that mean. I think you sometimes treat me the way your mother treated you. But that is not the real you and I know it. Because you are an amazing gal and that’s the person I like to take on dates.”
She’s been walking with an extra spring in her step all week.
Her mother was and is damaged to the point most of us would describe her as evil. I can only imagine her upbringing given the way she brought up her own kids.
My Missus’ mother is not part of our lives. My children may never even meet her. That’s how it is for now.
As the powerful defender of life, one of my jobs is to recognize when grandma evil shows up, through Missus, and affects my children or is directed at me.
I never would have been able to do that kind of defending without first taming my own shame all those years ago. My own defensiveness would have kicked in and… mayhem.
I had a man recently message in the TS community that he bought the course last year and left it aside after starting it. Something made him take it up again and BOOM! he had a breakthrough.
Now he’s formed a relationship with his Younger Self and is well on his way to Integration.
I want that for everyone of you. 600 men have taken the course, don’t leave that stone unturned. Every man should take it.
Someone else wrote “Feelings are predictive, not reactive?”
and a day or two later sends “Chris, this is spot on for me. I’m working this program diligently…”
He even added to this today, “This reparenting program is really helping me. It sounded Oogabooga, but it’s working…”
Lastly, I can assure you as someone who has read a book per week minimum my whole life and studied behavioural sciences for almost 4 decades, there is no replacement for the work.
You simply must train your nervous system to act differently in the world and in the course of daily existence in order to live intentionally and fulfill your desires and promise.
Because that’s how it works.
Questions? Comments?
true and free…
CW
© Christopher K Wallace 16 July 2024
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