NAKED TRUST
Orgasms equal trust. Orgasms between a couple are the ultimate physical manifestation of “Are you there? Are you with me?” the two essential ingredients to attachment (presence & loyalty).

Therefore, when we have regular orgasms with someone, we tend to trust them.

As I like to say, “without trust, you’ve got nothing.”

My mother had ten pregnancies in twelve years resulting in nine children. My sister moved into my parent’s home in a basement suite when the old folks were nearing their eighth decade in age so she could keep an eye on them. Every Friday night my dad tiptoed into my mother’s room and they were intimate; she could hear them. They went like this until ma got cancer again at 85 and passed away some months later.

Dad died a few years later but he could still get his dick hard from what the staff at the old folks’ home told us.

The need for sexual touch never leaves us. We like to be touched by someone we trust, always down to let our partners play with our balls and to fondle her pussy. It’s the grand and not-so-secret of privilege and submission we each accord other… and it never goes away.

My woman once raised rabbits and when she’s not up to a full copulation, she may engage with me in the shower, something she calls, “servicing the rabbit.” This is a nod to the rule of placing the female rabbit in with the male for mating (she says to never do it the other way around as the female rabbit might kill the male for intruding on her territory. Ouch!).

I often “service her” in the mornings when I’m half asleep and she’s… well, just lying there. The point is that quickie orgasms between a couple are one of the easiest ways to ensure and protect your intimacy bond. It says, “It is I… who has access.”

So, how do you swing this with your woman? You need to negotiate it.

It’s either that you assume the sale at the beginning of your relationship and secure an agreement with her… that this part of both your needs never shall wane, or you need to kick start it now. Men lead; women command.

What if there are children? More reason to set this tone outright or reclaim it.

When the airline attendant does a pre-flight address, they announce something like, “In the event of a loss in cabin pressure, masks will fall from the ceiling in front of your seat. Please ensure you put on your mask first before attending to small children.”

This is a good simile for the mindset you need regarding you, missus, and the kids. Parents need to put themselves first. It’s the pair-bond that must hold priority, for without it… the children are imperiled. The best thing you can do for the children is stay together.

The best thing you can do for yourselves is to live harmoniously, modeling power and love, putting your marriage and relationship first.

Orgasms are like insurance against divorce. Rare is it we leave someone who is giving you regular orgasms.

Orgasms act as an attachment barometer.

I encourage you to have this discussion, to tell your woman some of what is contained here. See if you can get her to agree to make your physical life together a priority. Over the years I have found most women who embrace this are quite good with it, capable of feeling as salty and as earthy as nature intended.

I flirt endlessly with my gal… careful to never appear needy. The idea is to sell her on our differences. She can express herself verbally and perhaps get her nurturance needs met through her girlfriends and the caring of children and in some cases, by looking after elderly parents.

You admire the scope of her emotional life but share no such tendency of your own.

Instead, like many things about men, you are rather unidirectional. It’s one of your great masculine gifts, the ability to concentrate on one task to the detriment of all other distractions. You also are less hampered by needs for emotional regulation comparatively.

Men are more action oriented. We men express ourselves physically, and our lust is its primary manifestation. Can she feel lucky that she is the object of your desire? Can you be that man?

Never let a man leave the house hungry or horny, goes the maxim. Plenty of truth to this one for sure.

Everyone likes to be someone’s chosen.

Women choose a man for his power potential and kindness, and his ability to deliver sustenance.

You acquiesce to her choice, enamoured by her smile, her interest, her hip to waist ratio, and her invitation.

And what of the silly notion that she’s always vying for a higher status male?

Let me just say that she likely bet on you when you had nothing, putting the lie to this idea. Only if forced she’d choose in her best interests because she could. Should she not? Trust me, be her powerful man and her preference is to stay put. Why? Because people will do almost anything to appear consistent. You are the devil she knows. Give her orgasms, you devil.

Ideally, even when she’s not up for immediate orgasmic action she may circle back and take care of you both at some point later. Usually that day or the next. You do a version of the same. You neither pout, nor sulk, nor ever, ever beg. It’s like sleep makes diet and exercise healthful… and orgasms make marriages work. She understands this because there is a part of her that needs it too. It’s clear between you.

It’s a question of mindset. Your woman can understand this precious gift between you needs to be maintained with regular orgasms. It’s how men express themselves and we don’t have a woman’s emotional depth to act otherwise. Don’t you dare let anyone shame you into believing this is somehow selfish or wrong. Nonsense. That’s an argument begging rebuttal, to be met with unapologetic masculine desire.

I’d urge you to pick your time (when both are amenable to discussing how to last forever) and have this frank discussion to make sure these desires are not left unmet.

Ideally, from the start you could insert orgasms somewhere in your vows, either outright or as a secret word to signal your intent with each other. “In the name of God/The Universe, I, (groom/bride’s name), take you, (groom/bride’s name), to be my (husband/wife), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish by providing endless orgasms, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow.”

What if you have a fight? “Don’t touch me!” might be yours or her reaction. You need an understanding this could happen. Make a deal right now that reconciliation is sealed with an orgasm.

Better still, let it be known that each may turn to the other for reassurance at any time and request proof of commitment, sealed not with vague notions of love, but specifically with orgasms. Are you with me? Be bold, create a win-win for you both.

The two great life forces which largely govern men and women are that she is the burdened female precious creator of life, you are the expendable male powerful defender of life.

She is burdened under the caregiver dilemma, something gifted to her by nature herself. Wherever she finds her self in the world, it is women who are nature’s primary caregivers. She wants to avoid seeming selfish while at the same time holding a secret fear that she will be taken for granted as she serves those around her.

Monthly she bleeds for near half her life, she is smaller in strength and size, she risks her life to bring forth life, and worries out her children forevermore while using her negative emotions to spot sickness in those around her and danger in her environment.

She is precious because her fertility lasts but a couple of decades giver or take. Her looks follow suit. She stops having children of her own in her forties so that she might help her daughters raise theirs. Thank the heavens for Grandma, and the Grandmother Hypothesis.

He is the expendable male. More men are born with developmental issues and more die in childbirth. Nature makes more boys (51% to 49% for boys unless under drought or during war in which case the ratio reverses in favour of more girls being born) in regular times to compensate. 85% of cops are men. If there is a war, 85% of deaths are male. If there is a workplace accident resulting in death, more than 90% of those deaths will be male. Highway workers, plumbers, electricians, etc etc, are primarily male.

The difference between a male and a man in my opinion is that men defend. For if a male cannot defend, some other male must step into the breech and defend on his behalf. This is where the rubber hits the road regarding masculinity.

Men and women have aligned with each other over thousands of years to take advantage of each other’s strengths and shore up each other’s weaknesses. Men tend towards larger groups while women tend to have a small group bias. Because of this, men build cultures while the sisterhood stress tests them. Ideally, that arrangement holds great promise if we can each acknowledge the other’s contributions.

What’s required is a Team Human understanding of our gifts  and how we complement each other.

The narrative online and in academia is relatively recent. Nature is ageless. I’d bet on nature.

Trust is what made homo sapiens who they are. Orgasms between men and women

ORGASM

Consider women’s sexual peak is later than men’s, and by a far margin. The Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex says, “Most men in adolescence and young adulthood report more frequent orgasms than do older men from all sources, including nocturnal emissions, masturbation and intercourse…

On the other hand, women experience their highest number of orgasms from their mid-twenties to their mid-forties.” So, why would that be?

In my view, given these years are smack dab in the middle of her pair-bonding days, and she’s likely long with child if it’s destined to be so, we ought to realize female orgasm is less about reproduction and more about intimate attachment.

Same with men. Each ejaculate has from 40 million to 1.2 billion sperm. At just once per day, the math for procreative possibilities in a year are mind-boggling. Fuhgeddaboudit.

Remarkably, a woman’s ovulation period is 12 to 24 hours… once per month. Yet, she can blow her stones every day of the week all year long at any hour she chooses.

Why would nature give her that ability for just 12 hours ovulation 12 times per year? Or, 12 days out of 365?

At just 3%, man, something doesn’t add up.

I think the reproductive aspects of sex between adults is a minor function embedded in intimacy which primarily uses orgasm as its bonding agent.

The bonding hormone oxytocin is released during childbirth and when else? Orgasm. With benefits from increased serotonin to greater blood flow to the brain. Post-orgasm, women keep producing oxytocin for a period of time.
It’s about the orgasms. OK, I’ll go further and suggest sperm is the glue which holds us together.

And, that’s not even considering sperm as nutrition: with antioxidant and anti-inflammatory properties and which, when ingested by a woman whichever way, may also play a role in mitigating a woman’s anxiety and depression.

Come on, it’s super bonding glue.

Also, just think of what that means… to have an orgasm in front of someone. Usually stripped naked, the body and its every crevice is exposed so that your partner has full access. You lack weapons or protection: no armour or shield, nor a dagger hiding under your cloak or fur. Caution is thrown to the wind.

There is no hiding during orgasms, it’s a surrender to each other.

The abandon of orgasm sends your face into contortions of pleasure where you must risk your partner’s glances. Only she sees you this way, just as only you see her this way.

(For me, if a woman doesn’t make good faces when she’s coming, there is no hope for us. Her smell and climaxing facial expressions are what determine if we shall meet again unclothed. If she shudders during the moment, even better. I have no idea where this comes from in me, seems shallow, but it’s real).

Think of the moment of orgasm and its inherent temporary loss of control. Who is it… that “stands on guard for thee” while you engage in your moment of bliss?

Of course, your companion does. We do it to, and for, each other.
What is she first… this woman you profess to love?

Is she first a mother? a worker? a businesswoman? a friend to her gal pals? an advocate for your children’s education? a community member? a churchgoer? All these and more I’m sure.

But she is first a sexual human being.

This is her essence and no amount of time or bearing of children changes this essential fact. She is sexual, treat her so.

Burdened by the caregiver’s dilemma, caught between not wanting to appear selfish and feeling taken for granted by the very people she looks after… you are her defender.

You see the real her, the authentic wild woman she keeps in shadow.

What of it that her best fertility years are two decades between 15 and 35, though her best orgasm years go another decade or more far beyond?

What does this say? When you consider living to 50 years was a full lifespan until a couple of hundred years ago, it may mean she gets hornier as she ages.

It requires a male defender by her side who makes her feel safe enough to visit this side of her egalitarian spirit.

Can you be such a man?

Questions? Comments?

true and free…
cw

CHRISTOPHER K WALLACE
Advisor to Men ™
[email protected]
advisortomen.com

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INTEGRATION #2 Younger Self vs Adult Identity

If you remember last week’s message about Locus of Control, you know I think it’s a first step along the integration journey.

Hopefully, many of you have gone online and taken the free assessment I linked and now have a better idea of how to improve your locus scores.

This week, I want to bring your attention to the reconciliation between your Younger Self and your Adult Identity.
I’m not a “trauma is everything” type as I don’t think that’s useful.

I don’t mean any disrespect to the traumatized out there, and I count myself among them, it’s just that it can become shrouded in avoidance, like a dark and humid basement a child dare not go into (I have one of those).

It can become an excuse too.

As in “why do you drink?” Answer: “I have trauma, man!” You stopped drinking and started again, why? “I have trauma, man…”

Now the brain is thinking “how else it can leverage this to avoid taking responsibility and continue to live according to my whims?”

That’s not for you.

However, I will tell you that you are run by your nervous system and conscious awareness is along for the ride.

Furthermore, your nervous system is trained by experiences.

In fact, there is nothing new to the brain, it compares everything in front of it to what it has seen before.

Been to a lake as a kid and now you stand before the ocean, the brain says, “I have seen big water before.”

Drive into the Rockies for the first time, the brain says, “I’ve seen hills.”

Not only that, if you feel something today, you have likely felt it before.

The brain takes your databank of prior experiences and comes up with instant hypotheses about the circumstances you are in which you then disprove or confirm using the social reality before you.

So, let me repeat: if you feel something today, you have likely felt it before.

This also means that if you want to feel differently, you must do new things to provide your brain with new concepts to use going forward.

This facet of integration becomes necessary because of the way the brain adapts during aging.

Studies show us that even a one-year-old child knows if someone is treating them or others unfairly. Children have a keen survival sense, and know how they are being fucked over (if at all) by the people around them as they grow.

When a child encounters situations they find unfair or where they feel powerless, or where they are of “two minds,” their rudimentary operating system will step in “to deny, repress, or distort, inner and/or outer reality to lessen anxiety and depression.” (Vaillant, 1998)

Conforming with caregiver imperatives helps two-fold: to keep you alive and to become socialized (if you are reading this, the first imperative was successful: a cause to celebrate! while the latter is a work in progress).

This operating system is installed in a child mainly through language, often under a “threat and reward” (carrot and stick, if you will) style of parenting.

This full nervous system OS is also known the the ego… and is continuously updated throughout childhood.

Only a man’s prefrontal cortex doesn’t come online fully until he’s aged twenty-five or thirty.

At which point, absent parental feedback, he becomes totally responsible for his own neuroplasticity.

He needs to do his own operating system updates.

Failing this, parts of his existence will still be run by his Younger Self.

You can imagine (and might already suspect or know) how this turns out.

He encounters some situation and responds emotionally out of context, leaving himself and those around him dissatisfied and uncertain.

Some men build a defensive wall of denial in order to manage shameful feelings that are often decades old in origin.

And, the bitch is these things in a man’s life don’t tend to get better on their own. They tend to get worse.

In fact, if you consider the human life cycle and peg life expectancy at eighty-two years, the low point average in happiness is age forty-seven.

I know from working with hundreds of men that this has much to do with failing to update our operating system by integrating the Younger Self with a strong and powerful Adult Identity.

When you do the work, in some ways you in effect become your own father.

It’s up to you now and forever. Parents often regress to “old children” as they near the end of life. You become their parent.

This is part of that process.

Understanding your past frees you to create a compelling future.

That’s part of what it means to Integrate. You reparent yourself.

It requires courage… but is the best work you will ever do.

Nothing I have done on the personal development front has been more rewarding. Despite looking like I had it together, I suffered..

After carrying a secret “piece of shit” shame for fifty years, I did the work using plenty of curiousity and acceptance, and was finally free.

I want that for you too.

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek,” said Joseph Campbell.

Questions? Comments?

Stay powerful, true and free…
cw

INTEGRATION: LOCUS OF CONTROL

Let’s talk about Integration.

No one bothers to explain this one outside relationships. I see many who are fond of focusing on attachment as the cause of their troubles, and there is some truth to ideas such as codependence and fusion.

In fact, codependence is quite normal.

Couples who have been together a long time finish each other’s sentences, and when together their heart rates and blood pressure synchronize. They also report being happier and tend to live longer.

In the strictest terms, fusion refers to a baby who, having been grown and connected to its mother by womb and umbilical cord, arrives not knowing that she or he is, in fact a separate being until the second half of the first year of life.

Still, children experience families physically.

A child will attune to caregiver nervous system activation for survival.

This same mechanism broadly later gives you the capacity for empathy, compassion, and the mirror neurons that allows you to sense what others might be feeling or thinking by watching them carefully.

Clearly, remaining monogamous to mother is not good for men. The boy must leave the mother to become a man.

Furthermore, moms are supposed to be more anxious than dads. It’s an adaptation that helps her keep you alive. Kind of important.

Dad is there to counter this necessary negative emotion with leadership and reassurance. If dad is absent, or checked out, or too busy, mom’s influence will prevail.

Until a man confronts and transcends his early life influences to emerge as a separate entity capable of standing fully on his own, he will, in many ways, remain set back emotionally.

He will tend towards failing to control his own destiny.

I believe locus of control is essential to personal integration.

Locus of control speaks to where you place responsibility for what happens to you in life.

Is life happening to you or for you?

Is everything up to fate or luck?

Or do you create much of your own?

My own locus of control shifted considerably when I was in college studying behavioural sciences.

Growing up I had four sisters and four brothers, smack in the middle a family of eleven. But there was significant violence and passive aggressiveness and not enough love to go around.

God bless them all.

I felt powerless to do anything about the daily injustices prevalent in our household. In fact, the violence and pressure left my nervous system in the “fight” mode of freeze, fight, flight for many years… well after the old man tossed me out of the house at age fifteen.

He said there was room for only one rooster under a roof and since it was his house, I had to go. The rooster is now my totem animal.

I’m not proud of it but out on my own I fell in with a tough crowd of older drug dealers and assorted miscreants.

I spent almost two decades as a gangster thug during which, at one time or another, I was shot, stabbed, run over, hit with baseball bats.

I did time for shooting people and various other crimes against society.

I was an emotionally unregulated and disintegrated mess.

Something had to give.

Only now I had a wife and son to look after.

I got off the dope and the streets and took drug rehab… and then talked my way into college without even having a high school education.

Later, I graduated “with honours,” first in class, winning the Academic Council Award each academic year in the process.

In my first semester of studies, instead of the usual “Gulag Archipelago” type stuff I read when I was a crook, I picked up “The Power of Positive Thinking” by Norman Vincent Peale.

That’s when my locus of control changed.

I was walking between classes and thinking about things, trying to match what I was learning and my experiences to form a coherent and functional “model of the world” when it struck me (like epiphanies do).

“Happiness is a decision,” I said out loud.

I was free of victimhood there and then. If you come to my house today and ask my children what is happiness, they will tell you it’s a decision

Thereafter, my locus of control became more internal than external.

I realized my fate was in my hands and whatever powerlessness I had grown up to accept was all in my head (and heart).

I could choose to live a different life.

So, I did, and here we are.

Most of my pals from those days are dead and gone, many of them tragically.

Also, one hundred and eighty thousand people died around the world yesterday.

Not me. Not you.

About ten years ago after watching a clip online with a man exhorting other men on a beach to either memorize Invictus or get in the water and carry one of their comrades, out of curiousity I looked the poem up.

I have recited it out loud every morning since.

I recommend taking in a little Invictus every morning, like a vitamin.

Where are you on the Locus of Control scale?

Go to this link and take the free assessment. It’s the same one I use with my clients. (you can also get a PDF for under ten bucks)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/tests/personality/locus-control-attributional-style-test

Follow the advice and begin to integrate your locus control to a more internal orientation… and watch your life change.

Stay tuned, as we’ll cover more facets of male integration.

Questions? Comments?

Stay powerful, true and free…
cw

QUADRANTS: 4Ps

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The Expendable Male (6 mins)
August 10th is Prison Justice Day.
Back when I was a guest of the state all those decades ago (not a period that I am particularly proud of, but it is what it is…) we would grub for every food advantage, often finishing each other’s meals.

An extra dessert was bargained for like contraband.

But on the 10th day of August, we pushed back our trays and refused to eat the ‘Jug-up’ that was usually a highlight to the dreary days despite being food of consistently low quality.

So no food for me today. Coffee is fine, water is plenty.

The ratio of male to female prisoners is 10 to 1. It’s testosterone.

Like they say in French, “nous avons tous les défauts de nos qualités,” which translates as “we all have the faults of our qualities.”

Women can be both gifted and burdened with higher empathy and negative emotion. It helps them spot sickness in those around them (especially children) and danger in their environment.

This blessing is often overwhelming (that’s where you come in to help her balance things – see Team Human below).

There’s a meme that floats around the internet listing predominant male roles such as roofer, logger, veteran, plumber, mechanic, carpenter, coal miner, firefighter, iron worker, truck driver, oil rig worker, police officer, cement mason, power lineman, crane operator, highway worker, garbage collector, construction worker from 80% male (truck drivers) all the way to 97% male (plumbers).

I’m still waiting for the day a couple of gals will show up in spring and clean out my septic tank. I won’t hold my breath (while I hold my nose – just kidding, I don’t really do that… despite the stink).

Cops are something like 85% male. War deaths are 85% male. If there is a work place fatality in North America, 90+% of the time that tragedy will involve the loss of a man’s life.

She is the burdened female precious creator of life.
He is the expendable male powerful defender of life.

With overlap, they are Team Human.

Sometimes, in context, our gifts bite us in the ass.

True for men too as much as for women.

More boys die in childbirth and are born with problems. Preemie girls are almost twice as likely to survive as do boys. A plethora of conditions affect boys more than girls including attention deficit, Asperger’s, dyslexia, etc..

Even more so than it is with girls, a boy’s relationship with his mother as primary caregiver is especially critical to his development.

In Canada, child psychologist and professor of pediatrics, psychiatry and psychology at The University of Montreal, holds the Canada Research Chair in Child Development and won the 2017 Stockholm Prize in Criminology for his work studying delinquents.

Recounting his days studying aggressive boys in the Montreal school system during a podcast last year, he said his early research surprised even him.

If a mother has problems like depression, anxiety, drug or alcohol addiction, her male child has a greater propensity to aggression and later juvenile delinquency.

If she has only a female child, the aggression only shows up when that little girl grows up and has male children of her own.

Tremblay had good success intervening with mothers, having a positive effect on her children.

Studies have been done on men and women playing a contrived game where profits could be shared at a player’s discretion. The twist is researchers added the ability to electric shock each other.

Brain imaging revealed that male subjects who observed the selfish players being zapped registered pleasure in their brains while empathy areas were not activated.

Not so the women, who showed empathy for both the good guys and the bad guys in the game.

At Rooster Acres, my Missus can clean and gut culled animals but leaves the killing to me.

Because of testosterone, men have less ability to hold off competitive, aggressive and vengeful impulses.

Workplace shootings are almost always male, school shooters are male.

Accidents are number four on the list of things that kill men, occurring at twice the rate of females.

We also kill ourselves at four times the rate. The annual Darwin awards are typically going to be male “winners” … as losers.

And more of us end up inside.

Add in attachment theory John Bowlby’s finding from many years ago about male children being separated from their mothers under the age of four and having a higher likelihood of becoming antisocial later on.

A more recent study from Nevada said teens in trouble with the law whose mothers stood by them tended to grow up fine. Those with no mom standing in their corner had a higher rate of antisocial personality disorder as adults. One of our men is a “juvee” guard and confirmed this recently.

The famed Grant Gluek study tracking almost 800 Boston men since the late 1930s found men with warm maternal relations made more money as adults. Those without… had a four fold increase in dementia.

My old man said his parents both broke his heart. He died of dementia.

So while there are some bad ass muthas that should probably stay inside forevermore, most guys inside are not antisocial or psychopathic.

We are people makers and typically the men I did time with were males with fucked up backgrounds coping the best they could. Many were addicted as well as immature (I was both).

Dealing with many men on the fringes of society for four decades, I’d say a lot of them just take a long time to grow up. The more prosocial values they are exposed to as they age, the better they do.

Look at the Titanic deaths: women, 434; children, 112; men, 1680 died for a survival rate of less than 20%.

If my Missus had to choose between me dying and either of my children, I’d be out of there. That’s how it ought to be.

We are the expendable males. And just as no woman has a choice over her burden as a woman, neither do men get to question nature’s wisdom.

It’s women and children first.

This is my personal view of things:

For all its advantages—like a 95% reduction in starvation deaths in my lifetime, or how it lifted 6 out of 7 billion people beyond the dollar per day existence of 200 years ago by 2017—capitalism subsumes relationships, families, cultures, govts, professions, ecosystems, and anything else in its path.

This has especially weakened the male population worldwide. We did this to ourselves.

It is men who teach men how to be men.

So today I’ll skip food. No “Jug-up” for me. I’m not asking you to do the same, just to recognize and appreciate male expendability.

And if you feel up to skipping dessert, more power to you.

I send you blessings of power and love…

true and free,
cw

Reach me if you want to talk.
I sometimes agree to work with a man…