WHAT DO YOU WANT?
(Reverse The Flow book chapter)

Let’s start with the question that cracks open everything else:

What do you want?

It sounds simple. But it isn’t.

Most men never really ask it straight. We go through life doing what is expected, what’s easy, what pays. We take jobs, follow rules, get degrees, sign papers, and pay bills.

When you were less than two years of age, you gave none of this any concern.

You were pure raw being, arriving just the way the heavens intended: perfectly imperfect.

All exploration, curiousity, creativity and intuition and imagination. Then, you learned your first word within your first three months (usually dada) and everyone was overjoyed at this milestone.

You were tickled and smiled at and cooed upon for speaking on command.

Only, as your language understanding increased, your caregiver’s demands rose along with it.

Soon you were being directed at every turn. How to use the potty, how to eat, how to play, how to sleep, what to say and to whom. This is the great after-build, the “souping up” of your intellectual and emotional and behavioural engine.

You learned to tow the line, under what Carl Jung called “the conforming ego.” Why ego? The integrated nervous system is those 86 billion nerves of the brain and another 500 million in the body. These combine to run the system, denying, distorting, repressing inner and/or outer reality to lessen anxiety and depression.

Language thickened the corpus callosum, the bundle of nerves between your two hemispheres.

Language altered a part of the prefrontal cortex (Broca’s area), to get better at processing speech and understanding what others might be thinking while also improving your verbal memory and speech processing.

Possibly to make room, language shifted primary facial recognition to the right hemisphere, whereas humans usually use both. It also made you more analytical, and judgmental.

We learn to judge people and circumstances, but most of all ourselves. We learn to see ourselves through the eyes of others, our caregiver’s nervous system responses echoing in our own.

But deep down, in the quiet of a sleepless night or at the edge of a campfire’s glow, the question returns like an echo: What do you want?

Not what your boss wants.

Not what your parents hoped for.

Not what your partner nags about.

Not what the world says you should want.

What do you want?

The First Roadblock: We’ve Forgotten How to Want

As boys, we wanted things with fire in our bellies—dinosaurs, rocket ships, to be a knight, a builder, a pirate, a protector, a HERO.

But something happened. We got civilized. We got shamed. Guilted. Punished. Corrected.

We got scared. We were told to sit still, stop daydreaming, play safe, aim small. CONFORM!

So, we buried the wanting. Buried it under school, work, sports, porn, weed, debt, devices, and silence. But just because we buried it doesn’t mean it died.

It’s still alive—under the surface—like coals waiting for air.

This is your wake-up.

Let’s fan the flame.

History: Your Long Line of Wanting Men

Back in the day, almost every woman got pregnant —  “even retarded girls,” according to emeritus psychologist Roy Baumeister, PhD.

But probably only half the men fathered children.

Think about it, outside the odd “sneaky fucker,” most men had to be capable enough to protect a family, deliver sustenance, and make good decisions for them all, especially when she’s “in a family way.”  100 years ago, infectious disease caused 50% infant mortality. Survivors were miracles.

You come from this diverse maternity and discerning paternity to stand for Team Human.

Defend, Deliver, Decide.

You come from men who wanted something.

They braved oceans, fought wars, carved farms out of wilderness, built homes with their hands, protected kin, raised their sons with discipline and dreams. These weren’t passive men. They weren’t “going with the flow.” They wanted something—and they moved toward it with grit.

Don’t buy the lie that your history is shameful or worthless. That’s the poison of a confused culture that’s afraid of strong men.

Let me explain this further. Women carry double or more the negative emotion than do men. In a feminized culture, almost all the news is bad. Do not take it personally.

Your lineage isn’t perfect, but it’s powerful in its mystery. Let it fill you with awe. You stand on the shoulders of men who wanted more than survival. They wanted legacy.

So should you.

Talent: What Comes Naturally

Every man is wired for something. Some build, some fix, some speak, some hunt, some lead. You have natural instincts—clues to your talent.

The modern world confuses this by trying to make every man a cog in a machine. School trims the edges. Work dulls the shine. But your real work comes from your talent.

Start paying attention again. Watch for these clues…

What do you do with ease that others struggle to do?

What do others always ask your help with?

What fascinates you?

When have you thought, “I bet I could do that?”

What gives you satisfaction?

What puts you in “the zone?”

You weren’t made generic. You’re meant to contribute in a way only you can.
There has never been another you, there will never be another, you are a one-of-a-kind human.

Values: What You Stand For

A man without values is just a leaf in the wind—blown around by every trend, woman, government, or guilt trip.

Your values are your inner compass. They are the ideas you give a shit about.

Do you value truth? Freedom? Brotherhood? Loyalty? Strength? Order? Adventure?

If you don’t know—decide now. Write them down. No more drifting.

What you want must be anchored to what you value. Otherwise, your wants will become addictions, distractions, or traps.

Experience: The Lessons That Scar and Shape

You’ve been through things.

Loss. Betrayal. Hard days. Easy days. Joy. Frustration. Maybe divorce. Addiction. Failure. Being broke. Being lied to. Being unsure. Being hurt, or maybe even being saved.

Every scar is a teacher.

Don’t waste your pain. Mine it for wisdom. Let it show you what matters. What you don’t want. What must never happen again. That’s how experience guides you toward what you do want.

Remember this wisdom from my teacher when she told me, “Everyone makes the best decisions for themselves at the time. If you could have made a better one, you would have.”

Hindsight is an unreliable window through which to fairly view what has already happened. After all, any coward can judge history.

The better man accepts the past and is determined to learn from it.

If you ignore your past, you repeat it. If you learn from it, you become a dangerous man—in the best way.

Make your suffering pay. Always.

Dreams & Imagination: Practice for the Future

You’re allowed to dream. In fact, if you’re not dreaming, you’re already dying.

Men imagine solutions. We see a broken fence and picture it rebuilt. We see a better way to teach, lead, coach, love. The problem is, we stop trusting our imagination. We call it “childish” or “stupid.” We get embarrassed as we imagine how other’s judge us. There’s that “others” again.

But that picture in your mind of the better life—the one where you walk taller, sleep deeply, lead with strength—that’s not fantasy. That’s your inner man calling you forward.

Einstein said this: “Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we know now and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there will ever be to know and understand.”

The world needs imaginative men. Imaginative Team Human men.

He also said, “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift, and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honours the servant and forgotten the gift.”

Einstein died a couple of years before I was born but already calling us out. Can you see how? Look at this summary from a man whose life was dedicated to chronicling what we have done:

Sam Francis argues that the modern bureaucratic state, which he terms “Leviathan,” (book title) seeks to consolidate power by undermining traditional societal structures, localism, and cultural heritage. This “managerial elite” class, made up of state bureaucrats and corporate leaders, uses government influence, media, and cultural narratives to maintain control. Francis suggests that this elite system’s aim is not only to govern but to reshape society in ways that undermine historical identities, communities, and personal freedoms.

In hindsight, perhaps we should have kept retail closed on Sundays…

Imagination is the workshop of your masculine destiny.

Curiosity: The Engine of Change

Curiosity is holy. It’s what built fire, forged steel, split atoms, mapped oceans, landed men on the moon. It was present in you in your early years, where is it now?

You’re meant to ask questions.

“Why do I feel stuck?”

“Why do I numb out at night?”

“What would happen if I actually tried?”

“What else is possible for a man like me?”

Ask better questions. Then follow the answers.

Curiosity doesn’t just change your mind. It changes your direction.

Intuition: The Quiet Yes or No

Most men ignore their gut. We’ve been trained to doubt it. But that knot in your stomach when something’s off? Or maybe it’s just an “inkling,” you suppress… Compare that to the electric hum when something’s right? That’s not nonsense. That’s your inner compass.

Here’s a rule to use: If you don’t know much about a subject, let analysis do its thing. If you know a lot about a subject, trust your gut more.

I can take my car into the mechanic suspecting various things. He will listen to my engine for twenty seconds, tell me to shut if off, and diagnose exactly what it needs. He has developed intuition.

Start listening. Your gut may be the only voice left in this world that tells you the truth without trying to sell you something.

Don’t rely on it completely but always include it in the conversation.

When you know, you know. Don’t ignore it.

Exploration: The Risk Worth Taking

The path to what you want is rarely clear at the start.

That’s okay.

Life is not a straight road. It’s a trail you bushwhack one step at a time. You don’t need a full plan. You need to move. Try things. Fail. Learn. Try again.

You don’t explore expecting to find the perfect path. You pick up clues along the way which add up to direction of what is possible.

You explore to become the kind of man who can walk any path.

Creativity: The Gift You Forgot You Had

You don’t have to be an artist to be creative.

Every man creates. Some with words, some with wood, some with muscle, some with strategy.

To be a man is to make something out of something less, bringing order to chaos.

That’s what builders do.

That’s what warriors do.

That’s what fathers do.

That’s what kings do.

You were born to create. Not just to consume. Not just to obey.

To create something better with the life you’ve been given.

So—Back to the Question

What do you want?

Ask it. Don’t rush. Let it sit.

Let the answers come from deep, not shallow. From strength, not fear. From spirit, not shame.

You may not know exactly. That’s fine. Start with clues:

What do I miss?

What do I long for?

What would make me stand up straighter?

What would make my son proud?

Follow those sparks. Write them down.

Speak those ideas aloud. Share them with men who can reflect back truth.

And when the answer comes? Own it.

Not someday.

Now.

Because the world doesn’t need more obedient, nice, hollow men.

It needs you—a man who knows what he wants and walks toward it like it matters.

Because it does.

Look at any successful man and you will find others who helped him after buying into his dreams.

No one makes it alone. Power & Love: problem solving and collaboration.

A man who can use his talents to make a difference around him usually finds his very own place in the sun.

And he may do it more than once.

So… what do you want?

True and free…

©2025 Christopher K. Wallace, Advisor to Men ™

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cw

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So here it is: The Team Human Shield: Two Life Forces…

WOKE-MARE
Much has been done over my lifetime to confront racial inequalities, advance women’s rights, and foster gay and lesbian tolerance. Some argue these things were long overdue.

However, the pendulum of change has swung so far to the other side that western cultures now embrace feminine traits wholesale in the absence of a counter balancing masculine.

We appear to be facing an egalitarian comeuppance: a steady movement over decades towards the feminization of society, with an intolerance we sought to avoid; free speech is now in trouble.

The “woke” movement (a term originally used in reference to African American social and political issues), has been broadened to include exaggerated ideas about sexism, LGBTQ rights, racism, slavery reparations, colonial injustice, the globalist diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI), and white privilege. It uses power as its guiding principle and equality of outcome as its goal.

With the traditional nuclear family under attack by forces of social change in the west and elsewhere over the past several generations, Team Human has lost its footing.

As confused males failed to defend, the culture became fertile ground for chaos over order.

In describing its absurdity, professor Peter Kaufman of Birkbeck College, University of London, says woke is about “making sacred historically marginalized race, gender and sexual identity groups with equality and emotional safety as its pillars.”

The making sacred part is problematic. And since we are not all equal, so is the idea of equality.

Expecting emotional safety and fairness from mom is natural, whereas expecting it from society as an adult is irrational, irresponsible, and, ultimately, tragically immature.

Woke reaches back into history for examples of inequity, accidental or intentional, real or imagined, which are used to besmirch the character and reputation of anyone opposing the ideology.

Typical of male systemizing brains describing feminine forces, a 1990 example of this feminization emerged with Godwin’s law of Nazi analogies which asserts that “as an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches.”

Remember, women tend to compete by maneuvering covertly using mean remarks, social exclusion, and by winning over your friends and allies (see Susan Pinker, Sexual Paradox).

Men tend to compete head on to determine expertise in a context, or status in a dominance hierarchy, which may include teasing or bullying each other, in part to test for mettle or courage.

I’ve long contended abuse of empathy is a woman’s birthright. Ask any man in a relationship and they will tell you that in an argument with their female partner she will often resort to low blows using personal information as a way to dismiss the entirety of his point of view.

Calling someone a misogynist, or a racist, or far right (or left), or homophobic, or Islamophobic, or narcissistic, or full of white privilege, or a Nazi, is too similar to ignore. The same can be said for the dismissive, “mansplaining” as a low blow kick in the nuts. You argue with a woman at your peril.

The woke trend is largely a manifestation of feminine negative emotion, be it found in women or in men. I include men in this because with male influences increasingly absent or missing from family life and because children experience family physically, many men have much of their mother’s nervous systems (which is what runs us— conscious awareness is an afterthought).

Saying we are over-mothered and under-fathered is an apt way to describe how we got here.

To be clear, feminine negative emotion is first a gift. This evolutionary adaptation allows its bearer to spot sickness in those around them and danger in the environment. Missus can spot fever in our kids a day before it shows up. My friends’ wives are the same. Undoubtedly, women see stuff that men often miss. That’s been my overwhelming experience. However, as the French say, “nous avons tous les défauts de nos qualités.” We all have the faults of our qualities.

The downside to all that negative emotion is the tendency to pathologize (and even catastrophize) widely… and sometimes indiscriminately.

And so, we see in the fem-centric early grade schools a tendency to diagnose kids with learning disabilities and dyslexia, and with ADHD and spectrum disorders at a higher than normal rate (see Bad Therapy: Why The Kids Aren’t Growing Up by Abigail Shrier for more).

The confused masses dabble in queer theory despite its dishonest and unscientific flaws. I’m referring to its focus on the fluidity and subjectivity of sexual identity making the theory unfalsifiable, a requirement for valid science. Add to this its relativistic and unscientific “socially constructed” ideas versus clear biological reality to recognize it as bullshit to confuse you.

Similar irrational arguments apply to critical race theory and implicit bias testing. While mild awareness of personal prejudices serve society as a whole (people have preferences), seeing race as the central organizing feature of a group is an oversimplification which omits class, gender, and most critically, individual agency in the success or failure of an individual. The theory is divisive… and also unfalsifiable, making it equally invalid scientifically. It’s more bullshit to make people feel bad.

Colonialism is another oversimplification which ignores historical context. It neglects diverse perspectives and motivations as well as the norms and ethics of the time. It concentrates solely on exploitation and oppression while ignoring adaptation and resistance. It posits moral certainty and passes anachronistic judgments and fails to consider counterfactual benefits.

Flora and fauna have moved around the earth since the beginning exploiting available environmental niches to make life possible. Humans do the same… only we can defend borders. If you can’t or won’t defend your borders, you don’t have a country. That’s how it works.

Moreover, applying contemporary ethics to historical events is an act of “presentism” which any rookie historian will tell you is dishonest because it’s bound to lack nuance and leaves one open to ideological bias. The colonial decriers make many of you responsible for history: more bullshit.

White privilege is another unfalsifiable boondoggle which hits all the unscientific hallmarks. It’s ambiguous and too broad to be measurable, focusing as it does on group identity over the individual. At some point you may have read about the sacrosanct statistical rule, “correlation is not causation,” something ignored in this case. And there are plenty of losers who are white ffs.

It makes black success an anomaly.  That means if you are white your success was because you were white, if you are black and do well, you got lucky. More victimizing bullshit.

All of these forces, queer theory and gender as socially constructed, critical race theory and implicit biases, and white privilege and colonialism, are manifestations of a doom and gloom “heavens are falling,” feminine negative emotion. Confused men do it too.

This has implications around the ideas of climate change, overpopulation, and other supposed threats. It’s not that we don’t have real problems to solve, it’s that the gift spots sickness in those nearby and danger in the larger environment with a downside that, well, misery loves company…

How will we answer for our modern hysterias and social contagions in the years to come? What will we tell our grandchildren when they asked why it is we dropped the ball?

Let me give you some essential truths, something you as an individual can apply to your own approach to life forevermore (and even teach to your children and maybe your friends).

You own just three things, and you have but three things to offer. All of us, no exceptions.

You own your thoughts, feelings and behaviour. That’s it. Everything else is transiently impermanent. You have three things to offer the world: your time, your talent, and your effort. These are the great equalizers.

Your thoughts are all yours, thousands per day, mostly repetitive, some new, all based on concepts formed from your databank of prior experiences.

Your feelings, however fleeting, are also all yours and no one can make you feel anything.

You own what you do, good and bad, and these actions will largely define you.

And, you have but three things to offer this world. Just three.

You spend your time wisely or foolishly, ultimately under your prerogative and control.

You have measures of talent, to be sharpened as if taking stone to steel and honed into strengths.

You decide how much effort to expend at what, hopefully making a positive difference each day.

If you came to my house and asked my two children, “What is happiness,” both will answer immediately, “It’s a decision.” As humans mature, optimistically they come to realize that no one makes us happy, or sad, without our full permission.

To that end, men need to reclaim responsibility for their part in the culture. Team Human requires collaboration, problem solving, and responsibility. That’s the path to meaning.

You were chosen for life by heavens of infinite wisdom and safeguarded for a time under the promise of orderly good intentions coupled with the chaotic reality of perfectly imperfect parenting.

You need to realize that you were once the boy your caregivers made but, as an adult, you build a man from your own experiences.

An adult male in a male-female relationship must know to not take things personally. He accepts her negative emotion as the downside of her gifts and doesn’t allow it to move him off his mission.

In this way, he defends the both of them. Society requires the same masculine force for good.

This is how he moves past the egocentricity of a childish reliance on maternal acceptance and is no longer beholden to those maternal forces which at one time were the center of his universe.

This is how he operates beyond leveraged compliance under the demands of threat and reward parenting and the insinuated possibility of abandonment.

There are women in the culture who ably team up with men and form an effective yang force in counter to the challenges of the destructive yin force and its manifest woke’isms.

These blessed sisters stress tested the culture and having found it amiss, sounded alarms.

But they are few… and they cannot fix things without partnering with male culture builders.

It is men who must emerge from their confusing hypnosis and stand for Team Human.

Only men working together can ensure society awakens from this nightmare.

Questions? Comments? 

True and free…
cw

* from the upcoming book, Reverse The Flow, due out by 14Feb2025

• Personal and Reflective: The tone is deeply personal, introspective, and reflective, often delving into the author’s personal experiences and emotions.
• Philosophical and Analytical: The essay combines personal narrative with philosophical musings, analyzing complex emotional and psychological concepts.

• Narrative with Interspersed Analysis: The essay alternates between storytelling and analytical commentary, blending personal anecdotes with broader insights.
• Segmented Approach: The essay is divided into sections with distinct headings, each focusing on a different aspect of the overarching theme.

• Varied Vocabulary: The essay employs a rich and varied vocabulary, including both simple and complex words.
• Descriptive and Evocative: Language is used to paint vivid pictures and evoke emotions, often using metaphors and similes.
• First-Person Perspective: The narrative is primarily in the first person, adding to the personal and intimate feel.

• Focus on Relationships and Emotions: Central themes include family dynamics, love, and the psychological impact of childhood experiences.
• Integration of Personal and Universal: While focusing on personal experiences, the essay also touches on universal themes, making broader observations about human nature and relationships.

• Metaphors and Similes: Frequent use of metaphors and similes to draw comparisons and deepen understanding.
• Anecdotes: Use of personal anecdotes to illustrate points and engage the reader.

• Balanced Pacing: The essay maintains a steady pace, allowing for reflection and absorption of ideas.
• Smooth Transitions: Transitions between personal narrative and analytical insights are smooth and natural.

• Adult Audience: The content and style suggest it is intended for an adult audience, particularly those interested in introspection and understanding human relationships.
• Purpose to Enlighten and Reflect: The essay aims to enlighten the reader about the complexities of human emotions and relationships, encouraging self-reflection.

• Selective Quoting: The essay includes selective quotations and references to support its points, often from personal experiences or well-known figures.

• Reflective Conclusion: The essay often concludes sections with reflective statements, summarizing insights or posing rhetorical questions.
• Implicit Call to Action: Encourages readers to reflect on their own experiences and perceptions.